I am sorry my mind can blur over this anger that comes within me if i blame them that i cannot talk with, while they really want to help me instead. I cant talk well, i write better then i can talk. I cant talk right, but i do know that this is helping me in my grave. I just quited smoking, hopefully i am safe. I wish there is one doctor that understands me, she or he can save my life and send me home i never been home, never had a house, i was living with my parents long then got taken from the streets by psychoiatry. I never had a home, home is where my girlfriend can come and see me, talk to me and if its up to me then we marry fast and we have children and a happy life ever after.. Maybe the psychiatry acccidently made mistake, during my stay of 22 years i smoked so much i feel pain in my heart, like they burned me a scar there, in a hard life its hard to quit smoking. But nevertheless, i now understand God exists and heaven exists, thats a way for an escape as well, if nothing works then thats the only exit. There i will wait for Elice, i know her well, she also is with God, one day i shall meet here, thats the hardest thing i ever tried achieve, but also if i need to die for Elice then im there at the gate waiting for Elice.. Life is just short, or am i just too old? Life can be very much fun if you find your girlfriend, she looks so happy from her eyes and thats whats life is worth for me, since i found Elice.. Not one woman can turn me into another direction, why if i can be so happy with my girlfriend, why then dont the nurses gimme back my money and let me go.. I wish i could talk with em like this, i can try, but i will fail, i donnot trust my talking skills, i talk real bad and thats why im 22 years in a psychiatric prison for secrets that the nurses and doctors have for me.. Thanks alot..